Sunscreen
I’m white.
I may or may not sparkle.
As a result of this ivory goodness, sunscreen is something that I keep close at hand, especially while working at a football camp all day at the University of Florida. (Which by the way, is similar to the climate of hell if a dam was released on the fire and brimstone, leaving everything hot and damp.)
As every fair-skinned, or as we don’t like to say, pale person knows, one of the most annoying people in this world is the guy who looks at the whiteness before him and comments, “Make sure you put on sunscreen.”
Usually I smile and say something like “I got it,” while inside expletives are being suppressed into my gray matter.
Today, while working a football camp, a small child came up to me and said this statement: “If you don’t put on sunscreen you’re going to get burned.” Instead of slapping him across the face, I decided to take the high road. I shot back, “You’re family’s going to burn.”
I’m kidding.
That thought just ran through my head, and the situation above may not have actually gone down. But I did just think of it while feeling the fire on my reddened face from failing to do what I should know by now. Put on sunscreen.
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Armond White
Armond White is a film critic. Armond White writes for the New York Press. Armond White may or may not have a soul.
Don't stare in his eyes too long...
I don’t know how else to explain some of his film reviews over the years that have bashed widely well-reviewed movies with seemingly no other point than to be contrarian. Most of White’s reviews can be found on Rottentomatoes.com, which collects movie reviews and calculates their “freshness” on the Tomatometer; over 60% of good reviews causes a movie to be “certified fresh.”
I was watching the Tomatometer rise with for Toy Story 3, which up to recently had 138 fresh reviews giving it a 100% on the meter.
However, as most of the readers of Rottentomatoes predicted, Armond White submitted a review that slammed Toy Story 3 and declared its plot as already done by the “spectacular” Transformers 2.
Here are some movies Armond has given a negative critique to.
The Dark Knight
Wall-E
Slumdog Millionaire
Lord of the Rings (the entire trilogy)
Up
Star Trek
and many others.
If you’re interested read some of his reviews to see what I mean
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N64
The E3 2010 Expo has been going the past couple of days, with companies like Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo all flaunting their newest technology. And some of the feedback received hasn’t been the best.
Reading about the perceived failures in E3 2010 got me thinking about my own experiences with video games. The childlike wonder that came when I first saw Mario on the original Nintendo. Who was this stunted plumber who battled a dino-turtle? The thrill of unboxing my first Super Nintendo, and the joy of seeing Mario return. The ecstasy that arose in my heart as I watched Sonic the Hedgehog destroy Dr. Robotnik on my Sega Genesis. The heartbreak as Sonic lost rings time and time again.
But there is one system that will live in my heart forever. A system that I still play to this day, and would happily choose over any other piece of technology in this world. And that gaming platform is the N64.
With that in mind, I will now count down my 5 favorite N64 games of all-time.
5. Star Fox
Star Fox was one of those games where if anyone brought it up, one could instantly assess that person’s ability and knowledge of the game with a simple question. “Did you beat the brain?” I encountered many fakers who claimed to have beaten Starfox 64 by going the easy route, that is to say, getting “Mission Complete” instead of “Mission Accomplished.” Poor children.
W knows.
4. Baseball with Ken Griffey Jr.
“Hi, this is Ken Griffey, Jr. Let’s play Major League Baseball.” “I’m back.”"Great play, kid.” “That ball is going, going, gone.” “He’s got a cannon.” “This guy’s got some heat.” “Look at that one handed grab.”
If any of these statements echo in your head like a supernatural being is whispering into your ear, you’ve probably played Baseball With KGJ.
Season Mode? Exhibition? Home Run Derby? This game had everything you needed. I never touched a baseball video game again.
3. Super Smash Bros.
This game, when played correctly, makes Tekken look like a fight between Zac Efron and Michael Cera.
Falcon Punch.
As anyone who has ever played against someone halfway decent with Kirby, stay away from the edges. And Jigglypuff? Stay at home, kid.
2. Goldeneye 64
Goldeneye changed my life. Until Goldeneye, I had never actually pulled the trigger on something to actually kill someone’s virtual representation. But once into it, I put on an invisibility cheat, got infinite remote mines, and set off to make the biggest explosion of all time occur between a Russian scientist’s legs. I also just liked shooting at people with square faces.
1. Mario Kart 64
Mario Kart 64 is timeless. My dream is to welcome my child into the world of video games by beating him/her again and again and again in Mario Kart 64. It’s one of those games that a party can revolve around. Trust me. It’s been done. It will always hold a place in my heart. And if you don’t know how to powerslide/drift? Stay off the roads.
E3 2010 shows us what the future of gaming looks like. It seems a little excessive, a little forced. But I’m certain kids will eat it up.
As for me, I think the lyric from ‘Nothin on You by B.o.B describes it best: “And just like that girl you got me froze, like a Nintendo 64.”
If he intends to describe the feeling of a beautiful girl freezing his life just as a Nintendo 64 has at one point enchanted and frozen mine, then he’s dead on.
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Omegle.
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England vs. US
Today’s World Cup battle between the U.S. and England, a friendly little skirmish against our friends from across the pond, got me thinking about the U.S. vs England on a more entertaining scale. Besides those days where we were oppressed by the Brits with their red coats trying to shove tea down our throats and wondering why we dumped all their stuff in the Boston Harbor, we’ve always been pretty amicable with the English.
I was hoping that today’s match could have proven who, actually, is the “better” country. Who gets the bragging rights? So it is with that I have created a different kind of match, a challenge to decide if “color” should be changed to “colour.” I’m pitting some of the finest men Britain has to offer against the All-American Americans to settle this score once and for all.
And another thing. It all takes place on the soccer (or will it be football?) pitch.
So let’s get this game underway.
Here’s the starting lineups:
U.S
Forward: Chuck Norris
Forward: Martin Luther King Jr.
Forward: Larry Bird
Left Midfield: Rocky Balboa
Center Midfield: Theodore Roosevelt
Right Midfield:Tupac Shakur
Defense: Popeye
Defense: Jack Bauer
Defense: Jason Bourne
Defense: George W. Bush
Goalie: Abraham Lincoln
Coach: Christopher Reeve
England
Forward: James Bond
Forward: Harry Potter
Left Midfield: King Arthur
Center Midfield: William Shakespeare
Right Midfield: John Lennon
Defense: Queen Elizabeth II
Defense: Sir Isaac Newton
Defense: Jack the Ripper
Defense: Ozzy Osbourne
Goalie: Guy Fawkes
Let’s get this match underway.
Here are some of the match highlights.
(1st minute) As soon as Norris puts it in play for the U.S, Potter, the youngest member of England’s team, shows his immaturity and flies up and away on his Firebolt broomstick. England’s skipper Stephen Hawking types vigorously on a keyboard followed by a mechanical voice cursing about something called a “Snitch.”
(6th minute) Things are certainly getting testy out on the pitch. England’s possession style of play is frustrating the Yanks. Shakespeare, who has been known for his ability to taunt and get under the skin of his opponents, continues to whisper in Roosevelt’s ear. After one beautiful pass up to Bond, Shakespeare shouts “You are as rheumatic as two dry toasts!” towards Teddy. Teddy spits in his face to earn his first booking. Shakespeare slinks away giggling, “How now my sweet creature of bombast.” Roosevelt can barely contain his manliness. This is a testy match, indeed.
(21st minute) The poor referee attempts to card Jack Bauer after a maniacal sliding tackle on the Queen. “SHUT UP! NO! LISTEN TO ME! THAT WAS NOT A FOUL! PUT THE CARD BACK IN YOUR POCKET OR EVERYBODY DIES!!!!” And the referee does.
(25th minute) GOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. 1-0 England. Beautiful looping cross from King Arthur to Bond, who tucks it away with a header past the outstretched arms of Honest Abe. Defensive lapse and poor effort from Popeye. Although it’s not physically possible, you have to think that Christopher Reeve is shaking his head right now.
(26th minute) Still no Potter.
(27th minute) The right side of England’s defense with Osbourne and Jack the Ripper are collectively shutting down Larry Legend. Bird’s got to get involved with MLK and Norris up front for the US to have a chance in this one.
(35th minute) And there’s the equalizer! Balboa blows past for Queen Elizabeth on a through ball by Roosevelt. Tensions are shown to be at an all time high after Rocky’s post-goal speech is interrupted by Ozzy, who grabs the mic from his hands and bites off the top. Fawkes runs towards Rocky, picks him up, and throws him into the corner flag, like a ragdoll. This is a personal war, no holds bar in Johannesburg! Score even at 1-1.
(42nd minute) Scary moment for US there, with MLK going down on a head to head collision with Newton. Looks to be alright though. The US needs his speed up top.
(45th minute) Lincoln has rebounded from that first goal by Bond and withstands a flurry of shots from Shakespeare and Lennon. We’re all tied up at half.
(55th minute) Lennon and Tupac seem to have disregarded the game and have engaged in a freestyle battle of some sorts. These players from opposing countries seem to have much in common. I wouldn’t be surprised to see them in similar places someday.
(63rd minute) Man of the Match so far would have to be Bond. He’s torching the defense right now and looks to just be a step quicker than Bourne and Bauer. He just absolutely ripped a shot on goal that Lincoln did a heck of a job deflecting. In other news, all three players have the intials of J.B. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Biggest story so far? Where is Chuck Norris?
(65th minute) Christopher Reeve and Stephen Hawking seem to be engaging in some kind of staring match…
(75th minute) OFF THE POST BY NORRIS! The US really wasted a good chance there on a forward run by Bourne who played it to Roosevelt, who gave an extraordinary chip over Newton to Norris. Really need a better effort there.
(85th minute) Roosevelt seems to have lost his mind and is challenging his own players to duels. This really does not look good…..
(90th minute) Corner kick for England. High, looping cross from Ozzy……AND HERE COMES POTTER!!!!! HE SWOOPS DOWN FROM THE STADIUM LIGHTS AND FIRES A BEAUTIFUL HEADER PAST THE LANKY ARMS OF LINCOLN………
(90th minute cont.) There is absolute chaos in Johannesburg, where the stadium lies in flames. There’s no official word on what exactly happened, but it seems Guy Fawkes may have laced explosives throughout the entire stadium. Seeing as how the ball was instantly incinerated, we have a tie. Somewhere, off in the distance, Shakespeare is lamenting.
Final Score: 1-1
England vs. U.S? Still unsettled.
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The A-Team. Movie Review
I consider every movie this summer as filler unti Toy Story 3 smashes into theatres and captures my heart.
And so it was with this mindset that I was dragged to see the A-Team.
You know how there are some movies where you refuse to believe the actor who played another character in a different movie is now in the movie you’re watching? Does that make any sense? No? Allow me to explain.
The way my mind viewed the movie The A-Team was this:
Opening scenes: Once upon a time in Mexico, the guy from Schindler’s list, who later would escape Germany and have his daughter taken on a trip to France, who he then hunted down and rescued, was captured and thrown into a dark warehouse. Just like in Taken, he beats down his captors in extraordinary fashion and then smokes a victory cigar, no doubt a habit he picked up after World War Two ended.
"Just smoking a victory cigar after saving my daughter."
Cut to Rampage Jackson, who has modeled his hair after Mr. T and just got done fighting Chuck Liddell. Rampage finds Schindler List guy on a dusty road in the middle of nowhere, and after figuring out that they both got tattooed as army rangers when drunk one night in college, decide to stick together and go to find Schindler guy’s “friend.”
I pity the fool.
As it would happen, the “friend” has just gotten back from a trip to Las Vegas where he did, in fact, experience an incredible hangover that involved Mike Tyson and Andy from The Office. He is stuck in a column of tires like the Michelin Man while a Spanish dude spits at him and smokes a cigarette.
Vegas baby.
Suddenly, Schindler and Rampage bust in and grab him, roll down a hill, and escape to a hospital. When they get there, they find that Wikus van de Merwe, who supposedly turned into an alien in District 9, has healed and is now a crazed helicopter pilot that also has a matching tattoo.
Prawns....
And with these points established, the A-Team commences into a traditional summer popcorn, void of feeling, high on action, and filled with characters who I never really entirely bought.
June 18th and Woody and Buzz can’t get here soon enough.
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The Cereal Championship
There’s no better way to start my breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midnight snack than with a mixing bowl full of cereal with milk straight from the cow’s udder. I’m a connoisseur. I’ve tried all the cereal out there that is worth trying. And with that thought bouncy around while I slurped and savored each spoonful of Honey Nut Cheerios this morning, I decided to attempt to provide my top 5 breakfast cereals in the world today.
5. Trix
Much has been made about the failed exploits of the silly Rabbit and the cruelty of the children who keep him from his drugs. Trix would be higher on my list. In third grade I actually considered it top 3. However, when General Mills himself decided to change the fruit shaped pieces into colored balls, that’s when Trix lost a valued customer. I don’t like those balls in my mouth.
Taste: 8
Texture: Balls
Like candied dog food.
Overall: Good for a Saturday morning while watching SportCenter repeatedly. Bad in any other situation.
4. Reese’s Puffs
I’m not sure how Reese can get away with pieces, cups, and puffs, but God Bless him. Reese’s Puffs are a great cereal. The downside is after eating more than 3 bowls its easy to start feeling like Bruce Bogtrotter.
"You can do it Brucey"- Matilda
Taste: 9.5
Texture: 9. Goes down smooth.
Endurance: Necessary. Not for the faint of heart
Overall: 9.1
3. Honey Nut Cheerios
A family favorite since 1888, or when a beekeepers infant daughter took her ziploc bag full of Cheerios with her into her father’s shed/hive (RIP), Honey Nut Cheerios has been providing a crisp and cool taste for people who like Cheerios but who are older than 2 and younger than 58.
Taste: 9.4
Texture: Massages the tongue into submission
Mascot: Worst. Name. Ever.
"We can call him, I don't know, Buzz? Yeah that works."
2. Lucky Charms
Lucky the Leprechaun is the inverse of the Trix Rabbit. Actually, if you think about it, those kids who chase them are wasting their lives attempting to pilfer cereal from a mythical creature. And if that’s not a worthy way to live one’s life than I don’t know what is.
Taste: 9.7
Texture: Marshmallow splendor.
X-Factor: Freaking Magic.
Overall: 9.7
1. Blueberry Muffin Frosted Mini-Wheats
What??? What the…What???
Yes. Anyone who wants to refute this does not know cereal. BMFM-W are the best thing to happen to this universe since Pandora was flung into existence by an exploding Supernova. If I could describe this cereal in 3 words it would be: Perfect. Perfection. Dwight Schrute.
Taste: 10
Texture: The weaves of the Mini Wheats feel like a homemade quilt made to cover one’s tongue.
Appearance: Immaculate
Love is for losers. Mini-Wheats are for everyone.
Jesus loves Blueberry Frosted Mini Wheats. And so should you.
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Power Balance Bracelets
If only there was some kind of jewelry, like a ring, or a bracelet, or a shiny hologram-thingy that could improve my balance, coordination, and stamina.
According to the people who created the Power Balance Bracelet, there is.
I’ve had roommates, friends, teammates, and internet testimonials tell me how amazing this product is. How the hologram positively affects the natural frequencies of the body. How they’ve noticed a big difference in their athleticism, endurance, and balance.
I’ve even tested the thing myself. And it worked. Kind of. I was more flexible after I did the test with the Power Balance Bracelet, but I attribute that to it being my second time doing the test.
Pictured: Athleticism
But I don’t anticipate that, considering Paul Pierce is unworthy to share the floor with a certain Mr. Bryant. Let’s go Lakers.
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Ipod Shuffle
The ipod shuffle function can be the equivalent of an employer doing a background check and finding a history of crime and corruption.
I’ll use the example of my Ipod, which yesterday was rolling along churning out songs I thoroughly enjoy. It was a beautiful mix of Red Hot Chili Peppers, White Stripes, Kelly Clarkson, and Flight of the Conchords. A wild variety of tunes that didn’t require me to press the next button. Ipod Shuffle even threw in Seal’s “Kissed by a Rose.” My hands struggled to even stay on the wheel.
You make it hard to drive, Seal.
I assumed my Ipod Shuffle could do no wrong.
But as it turns out, Ipod Shuffle can dredge up horrible, horrible, things.
In a real world context, an employer has almost finished looking through my file and likes what he sees. Sure, there’s some missteps and questionable choices(the Backstreet Boys Millenium album is on my Ipod), but nothing that really stands out. Until he sees the corner of a file peeking out from behind all my accomplishments and good deeds.
My Ipod Shuffle chose to play “What Dreams Are Made of” by Hilary Duff, which is no misdemeanor. I can not express in words how truly terrible and horrific this song is. Here is the chorus:
Hey now
Hey now
This is what dreams are made of
Hey now
Hey now
This is what dreams are made of
I’ve got somewhere I belong
I’ve got somebody to love
This is what dreams are made of
And here is the actual song:
I don’t know how this song got onto my Ipod. I don’t know why this song even exists. It disgusted me then and it disgusts me now. After listening, I decided that having my Ipod Shuffle revive this atrocity is like the employer discovering that I’m a good guy, but at one point committed murder. Or worse.
And this is what I thought about today.
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Thrift Stores
This is my first blog post. For the next month, or maybe longer, I will be writing about whatever I think is fitting for the experiences of my day. Today I went to the thrift store.
I understand the purpose of thrift stores. Really. I do. Take the Goodwill, for instance. It’s a simple concept. Too lazy for a garage sale? Scared to show off old furniture or your decaying wardrobe? Pack it all up in trashbags, throw it in the trunk of your car and take it to the nearest Goodwill. They’ll sell your “Uncle Allen’s 65th Birthday Reunion” shirt for a buck fifty to legitimately poor people or trendy kids. Maybe the Goodwill is too far a drive, so you smuggle your outgrown pants and grandmother’s lamp to the Salvation Army. At the very least it gives you the excuse to walk past a bell-ringing Santa with a clean conscious, knowing some homeless guy out there is being warmed by your sweatpants. Everyone wins.You’re a good Samaritan, and other people find your treasures.
Someone's gonna love that necklace.
Today is Memorial Day, so like any other patriotic American I decided to visit a Goodwill in order to dredge up some hidden gems. In my mind I saw Dawson entering Goodwill a peasant and emerging a king. And by this statement it reveals just how long it had been since I visited a Goodwill.
The first thing that hits you when you walk into a Goodwill, or any thrift store, for that matter, is the smell. It’s like the collective odors of everyone the clothes have ever belonged to decided to join forces. You get the toxic blend of cigarettes, grandma’s perfume, babies’ crusted fecal matter, and febreze . You can almost see the haze. I knew something was up with the cleanliness of the clothes when the guy behind the register wore a latex glove when touching my items.
"If you could just gently place your items on the scanner."
Worse than the hybrid smell was the toy section. As I stepped over burned and battered child’s playthings I came to the puzzles, where sitting atop a cabinet was a 2000 piece puzzle of Big Ben. The non-bathroom stall abiding one. And I highly doubt the puzzle really in the box really contained 2000 pieces. Does any well-meaning parent have the faith to actually buy their kid a thrift-store puzzle? Maybe as a punishment.
“You didn’t clean your room? Have this puzzle completed by tomorrow or you’re grounded. Good luck, son.”
“But Dad, there are pieces missing!”
“Good luck, son.”
Moving along, I came to a large bin that looked like a mass-grave. Apparently, there’s a large market for secondhand Barbies. Furthermore apparently, the market for thrift store Barbies requires them to be either 1)naked 2)headless 3)look like Medusa 4) missing an appendage.
"Ken found me with a GI Joe."-Barbie
In all, I spent about thirty minutes in the thrift store, perusing through the toys and sifting through old t-shirts. I managed to survive the toxic haze and put $1.12 for a t-shirt that the cashier handled cautiously with a latex glove. I think it was the best $1.12 I’ve ever spent.
"Anyone can be a grandfather,....but there's only one gramps."
Epic.
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Tags: amputee barbie, Blah, Humor, Musings, thrift store, Today.
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